You Might Be A Lutheran If...
- you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.
- you didn't know chow mein noodles were a Chinese food.
- when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.
- during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.
- during communion you hum the hymns so you can see who's at church that Sunday.
- rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook.
- you think Garrison Keillor's stories are totally factual.
- you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.
- a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.
- you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.
- the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.
- you make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni noodles because they're not so messy then.
- you don't make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it's impolite.
- your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.
- you don't know what was sooo funny about dat movie "Fargo" then.
- in response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don't do that around here.
- you think a meeting isn't legitimate unless it's at least three hours long.
- peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color.
- you make change in the offering plate for a ten.
- your dad's name is Luther N., your brother is Luther Hahn and you are Lew Theran.
- you think butter is a spice.
- the church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot.
- you have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry.
- you know what a "dead spread" is.
- you talk to someone else and look at their shoes first.
- you have more than three friends whose first names have the letter "j" as the second letter.
- the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.
- Ole and Lena are really the names of your relatives.
- you know what a Lutheran Church Basement Woman is.
- you give a party and don't tell anyone where it is.
- you think hotdish is one of the major food groups.
- your five-year-old recites the Old Testament books as Genesis, Exodus, Lutefisk...
- someone asks you after church if there's any "decaf coffee" and you laugh because you KNOW that if it doesn't have caffeine, it can't be coffee!
- you think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hotdish" is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!)
- you think the term "Jell-O salad" is redundant.
- you freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next week.
- when you were little you actually thought the Reverend's first name was "Pastor."
- you think you're paying your pastor too much if he gets a new car for the first time in eight years.
- you hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can.
- it takes 10 minutes to say good-bye.
- doughnuts are in the official church budget.
- they have to rope off the last pews in church so the front isn't empty.
- you're watching "Star Wars" in the theatre and when they say, "May the force be with you," the theatre replies, "and also with you."
- you tap a church visitor on the shoulder and say, "excuse me, but you're in my seat."
- you doodle on the back of communion cards.
- you can say the meal prayer all in one breath.
- Bach is your favorite composer just because he was Lutheran, too.
- you hesitate to clap for the church choir or special music because "it just wasn't done that way in the old days."
- your church library has three Jell-O cookbooks.
- it's time to change a lightbulb and the left side of the aisle begins a debate on "change," while the right side of the aisle musters five volunteers--one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder.
- you laugh out loud while reading this list, and relive your childhood at the same time.
- you think the four food groups are coffee, lefse, lutefisk, and Jell-O.
- you can actually come up with responses to this.
- you sign a petition to have Campbell Soup Co. rename its "Cream of Mushroom soup" "Lutheran Binder!"
- you actually think the pastor's jokes are funny.
- the bumper sticker on your car says, "Legalize Lutefisk!"
- you pronounce the word Lutheran "Lutern."
- requests you hear are preceeded or followed by the phrase, "If it's not too much trouble then..."
- you know all the words to the first verse of "Silent Night" in German but can't speak a word of it.
- you carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case there's a potluck.
- you have an uncontollable urge to sit in the back of any room.
- P.M.S. is defined as "Post Merger Syndrome."
- your house is a mess because you're "saved by Grace," not by works.
- the doilies underneath the Thanksgiving flowers make nice snowflakes at Christmas.
- you think the communion wafers are too spicy.
- your mother reminds you often that she wishes you'd studied the organ.
- you dress up as your favorite reformer for Halloween.
- your mother could give any Jewish mother a run for the money in the guilt department.
- you think lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple is a gourmet salad.
- you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a "mixed marriage."
- Folgers has you on their Christmas list.